I am aware that where I live spring is still a few months away, but I got an e-mail from my favourite seed company today and well…I got all excited. I really want to grow as much of our food as I can this summer, and given our limited space, I’m going to have to be creative.
I’m hoping to share this little experience with you all, and look forward to any suggestions and advice you all have.
This pick is my backyard today…like I said still a few months away.
People say lots of things, including a lot of lies. We lie to ourselves and others about what we think and feel, mostly in order to present ourselves in the most favorable way possible. I’m not saying that we are all horrible people who seek out to screw with the world every day. I just think that life is hard sometimes, and that we lie in order to make it a little easier…even if it’s only lying to ourselves. It’s easy to tell a lie but REALLY hard to live one.
I know this first hand of course because I was married to a man for eighteen very long years. I did what, at the time, I thought I was supposed to do…actually I thought it was the easy thing to do. Pretend you are like everyone else and no one will know what is really in your heart…yeah, well, that doesn’t work. In fact what it does do is make you really miserable, as well as everyone around you. This is obviously a big lie to live but we all live the little lies every day.;
We say we love our job, spouse, friends…but really we do not and everyone can see it in the way we behave. It’s hard to pretend you’re happy all the time when you are not. You can tell when someone is lying about things by the way they behave. You get that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind that the pieces of the puzzle are not really fitting together. Usually we ignore those feelings because we want to believe what the person is telling us. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
We all have fears, some silly, some not so silly, however I have found that most of my little fears can be lumped together under a more general fear. What I fear most…and what has led to my greatest mistakes in life…is the fear of not being loved. The fear that the people I love will go away, stop loving me, or never loved me. When I was younger, that fear was much bigger then it is now…the crazy ass things I did for love could fill a novel. As I get older I find it less likely that I would publicly humiliate myself…well on purpose anyway. Fear can keep us, or delay us, from our destiny. Fear can keep us from doing what is in the best interest of ourselves.
I have to be careful with this fear because there are people who have known me for years…family, ex-family…that use my fear to manipulate situations. That is convoluted talk for…everyone knows I will do anything for my kids. Basically I know that when push comes to shove, I would throw myself in front of a train for my children. I have been known to take life threatening risks for other people’s children as well. An example: risking contracting something while giving a child, who was bleeding from the mouth, CPR. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve…my mother use to worn me about it all the time…but at least I have a heart that can be broken. The alternative is to be a selfish, egomaniacal, bit**. Not that I have anyone in mind, or a few people, ok, maybe two, lol. Oh well…Live, Love , Laugh…
Following along the destiny road a little further….I think there are people in our lives that are destined to be there. this may seem weird but I know that when I meet someone new, that ends up being important to me, I can remember that moment me met vividly even years later. Why is it that even though I meet and talk to dozens of people each day, that when I meet my, life changers, that they almost seem to have an aura about them…a cosmic neon sign that says, “This One!!!”. Does anyone else get this feeling?…Maybe I am weird. ;>.
I’ve always been the kind of person that had a few very close relationships instead of a bunch of more superficial ones. It use to drive my childhood best friend crazy….she had literally hundreds of friends, I had about eight. She would say,” you’re my best friend, but I just like to keep my options open.” She never felt loved enough because of her physical disabilities, (Hence why I gravitated towards being a special needs teacher for severely disabled children…destiny?…who knows). I don’t do the superficial relationship very well, I am not a social butterfly by any means.
I know that I love my family and friends ferociously…I’ve been called a mama bear in reference to my children. I can’t imagine my life without them.
I do love to make changes at the beginning of the year…its like there is a blank slate that you can imagine all kinds of possibilities for your life on. I do not make resolutions. I do make a list of changes that I would like to make…not horribly hard ones, more like nudges in the right direction. They are things that I have been thinking about over the last year that I believe might make my everyday life easier. They are not resolutions, because it is not an all or nothing, win or lose, sort of thing. I see January first as a day off to get your sh** together…a global reorganization day.
I write my resolutions,changes, down in a journal…a nice new one…because writing things down seems to make them more concrete. Then I think about how I can make the change into smaller, more manageable tasks…you eat an elephant one bite at a time. If I’m feeling really ambitious I might even add a time line for myself. One year I was so determined, I typed them out on cue cards, laminated them, and kept them together with a ring closure so I could carry them around…ok, that’s too much.
I do this reorganization thing at another time of year as well…back to school time. It is likely that I feel this ways then as well, because so much of my life has been spent in a classroom…whether as a student, or a teacher. I believe that everyone can learn and grow and change. Everyone can learn to love and be loved, to be kind, and respectful to themselves and others. The problem being, some people have more growing to do than others :>.
Time is a funny thing…there is never enough of it…we waste it, and sometimes that is good, we spend it, share it, cherish it, hate it, worry about how much we have left, wonder why it goes too slowly or too fast. I know that I spend a lot of time worrying about what other people will think, and that it is a two-edged sword in my life.
Worrying about what others think, keeps people from doing things that might be detrimental to others or themselves. When taken to an extreme though, it can make you immobile, unable to move forward with a project or even your life. It can make you do things that you would not normally do…wear things you definitely would not have worn, like that ode to Madonna prom dress from 1985…and stop you from doing what you know in your heart is the right thing.
My time would be better spent thinking about what God wants for, and from, me. No worries about the gossip, sneers, or even hate of those on the periphery of my life. When it is the right thing to do, those close to me love and support me. They may not know if it will work out, but they know that I am doing what it is I am supposed to do, and in the end, all will work out for the best. Here is to hoping that today you spend some of your time doing or thinking about what is right for you, and not worry about what others will think.