We all have fears, some silly, some not so silly, however I have found that most of my little fears can be lumped together under a more general fear. What I fear most…and what has led to my greatest mistakes in life…is the fear of not being loved. The fear that the people I love will go away, stop loving me, or never loved me. When I was younger, that fear was much bigger then it is now…the crazy ass things I did for love could fill a novel. As I get older I find it less likely that I would publicly humiliate myself…well on purpose anyway. Fear can keep us, or delay us, from our destiny. Fear can keep us from doing what is in the best interest of ourselves.
I have to be careful with this fear because there are people who have known me for years…family, ex-family…that use my fear to manipulate situations. That is convoluted talk for…everyone knows I will do anything for my kids. Basically I know that when push comes to shove, I would throw myself in front of a train for my children. I have been known to take life threatening risks for other people’s children as well. An example: risking contracting something while giving a child, who was bleeding from the mouth, CPR. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve…my mother use to worn me about it all the time…but at least I have a heart that can be broken. The alternative is to be a selfish, egomaniacal, bit**. Not that I have anyone in mind, or a few people, ok, maybe two, lol. Oh well…Live, Love , Laugh…
I do love to make changes at the beginning of the year…its like there is a blank slate that you can imagine all kinds of possibilities for your life on. I do not make resolutions. I do make a list of changes that I would like to make…not horribly hard ones, more like nudges in the right direction. They are things that I have been thinking about over the last year that I believe might make my everyday life easier. They are not resolutions, because it is not an all or nothing, win or lose, sort of thing. I see January first as a day off to get your sh** together…a global reorganization day.
I write my resolutions,changes, down in a journal…a nice new one…because writing things down seems to make them more concrete. Then I think about how I can make the change into smaller, more manageable tasks…you eat an elephant one bite at a time. If I’m feeling really ambitious I might even add a time line for myself. One year I was so determined, I typed them out on cue cards, laminated them, and kept them together with a ring closure so I could carry them around…ok, that’s too much.
I do this reorganization thing at another time of year as well…back to school time. It is likely that I feel this ways then as well, because so much of my life has been spent in a classroom…whether as a student, or a teacher. I believe that everyone can learn and grow and change. Everyone can learn to love and be loved, to be kind, and respectful to themselves and others. The problem being, some people have more growing to do than others :>.
Ok, so I could just put it right out there and write, it is a new year and I am going to start again and post every day. However, my skills at being all-knowing and all-seeing have been on the fritz lately…so I am going to go with…I will try to post daily…and as long as I’m not working 70 hours a week, or all my fingers are broken, I just might be able to do that. I miss blogging and all my blogging friends…and sadly, it was put aside so that I could work retail at Christmas.
There is nothing like working retail at Christmas to CRUSH your belief in the Christmas Spirit. I had people swear at me, yell at me, call me names, throw things at me, threaten me, and try to bribe me…all that to make sure their art work is framed in time for Christmas. Seriously people, we all need to take a collective deep breath. A failure to plan on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine…especially since it is not life threatening. You will not go down in the annuals of time as the worse daughter in the world because your dad did not get his framed picture of dogs playing poker on Christmas morning.
So the season is over…I have a new-found disrespect for people, a four-week old bacterial infection in my lungs, and a hang over…hope your holidays were great everyone…LOL.
Thud! Did you hear that…it’s the sound of autumn falling with a crash on my city. That is kind of the way it happens here in Canada. One day you’re walking along, it’s sunny and 22C…the next, your fishing out your snow boots. I so love fall in Canada…I miss the beautiful display of color of the trees out east, but nothing can beat that crisp, cool, feeling in the air…it’s so much nicer when your sweating your a** off because you’re having a hot flash! My Claire was running and jumping in a pile of leaves on Saturday…it seems to go too fast though. For me, fall feels like the shortest season…of course that might be because of WHERE I live.:)
It’s still dark outside when Bernice and Claire go off in the morning…and we haven’t even put the clocks back yet. Before you know it, it will be dark until nine in the morning, and then get dark again by 4:30. It balanced out by staying light until eleven during the summer…but it never really feels like it evens out. When we first moved here, it was summer. I had to buy special blinds to block out the sun because we could not get to sleep. In the winter you need a SAD lamp so you don’t go postal on your co-workers. AHHH, the Canadian north, such a lovely place…actually it is, but you wouldn’t know it from the way I complain. Remember though that complaining about the weather is a sport in Canada, you can’t go a day without griping. I hope you are all having a lovely Autumn. 🙂
I can’t help it, I love funny cat videos. I’m not sure why, probably because our cat is, EVIL. He likes to go into the bathtub after someone has showered and drink the drops of water from the tap. I know if we turned the water on he would run for the hills…that’s why this video makes me laugh.
Garden update…reporting from the jungle known as Julia’s back yard. This is a dangerous mission, the zucchini has reached a monstrous size, and the beans are strangling everything that is in their path. The sunflowers have grown above the reaches of the fence and are eyeing the neighbour’s pets. Tomorrow is September 1st, and fall is set to descend upon us with a thud…time to harvest, and clean up the garden. I’ve learned a few things from the garden this year.
1. If zucchini is left to grow unattended, it will consume every other plant…and small animals…in it’s way.
2. It is possible to grow beans here in the great white north…apparently global warming has an up side.
3. If you write the names of new herb plants on white plastic label stakes with a sharpie they will disappear, and the neighbours will be wondering what you are doing sitting in the middle of your garden, crying and sniffing all your plants.
4. Wow…does lemon balm spread. At least it has a distinct smell. (see lesson 3)
5. Have recipes on hand for green tomatoes…there will be more green than red…at least here anyway.
6. Plant extra because you will be feeding various other organisms throughout the summer.