People say lots of things, including a lot of lies. We lie to ourselves and others about what we think and feel, mostly in order to present ourselves in the most favorable way possible. I’m not saying that we are all horrible people who seek out to screw with the world every day. I just think that life is hard sometimes, and that we lie in order to make it a little easier…even if it’s only lying to ourselves. It’s easy to tell a lie but REALLY hard to live one.
I know this first hand of course because I was married to a man for eighteen very long years. I did what, at the time, I thought I was supposed to do…actually I thought it was the easy thing to do. Pretend you are like everyone else and no one will know what is really in your heart…yeah, well, that doesn’t work. In fact what it does do is make you really miserable, as well as everyone around you. This is obviously a big lie to live but we all live the little lies every day.;
We say we love our job, spouse, friends…but really we do not and everyone can see it in the way we behave. It’s hard to pretend you’re happy all the time when you are not. You can tell when someone is lying about things by the way they behave. You get that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind that the pieces of the puzzle are not really fitting together. Usually we ignore those feelings because we want to believe what the person is telling us. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
We all have fears, some silly, some not so silly, however I have found that most of my little fears can be lumped together under a more general fear. What I fear most…and what has led to my greatest mistakes in life…is the fear of not being loved. The fear that the people I love will go away, stop loving me, or never loved me. When I was younger, that fear was much bigger then it is now…the crazy ass things I did for love could fill a novel. As I get older I find it less likely that I would publicly humiliate myself…well on purpose anyway. Fear can keep us, or delay us, from our destiny. Fear can keep us from doing what is in the best interest of ourselves.
I have to be careful with this fear because there are people who have known me for years…family, ex-family…that use my fear to manipulate situations. That is convoluted talk for…everyone knows I will do anything for my kids. Basically I know that when push comes to shove, I would throw myself in front of a train for my children. I have been known to take life threatening risks for other people’s children as well. An example: risking contracting something while giving a child, who was bleeding from the mouth, CPR. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve…my mother use to worn me about it all the time…but at least I have a heart that can be broken. The alternative is to be a selfish, egomaniacal, bit**. Not that I have anyone in mind, or a few people, ok, maybe two, lol. Oh well…Live, Love , Laugh…
As a child my family always came together at the end of the day to eat dinner. Don’t get me wrong…I do not look back at my childhood fondly remembering how much better it was then. It would be a much better memory if I had been sitting down to dinner with someone else’s family, ;>. But you get what you get, and I prefer to look at it for the few positives that it gave. It did give us all a chance to reconnect with each other…and especially for the parents to stay connected and interested in their teenager’s lives. The family’s values beliefs, and culture were shared around the table as part of the conversation and the food.
With this in mind…I bought a new dining room table. A big move in our house as we have not really had a dinning room at all for the last few years. As I work from home most of the time, and my wife has a hobby that takes up a lot of space, (you wouldn’t think scrapbooking would involve so much space, but it does in our house, :>)…our lives had taken over the dinning room for what seemed like more important needs. so with a little rearranging, and the moving of heavy furniture, I claimed space for the table.
So almost evening for the last three weeks we have gathered around the table to break bread together. I love it!…we now say grace again before our meals, we talk about our days, and laugh out loud about it. I’ve even tried some “traditional Scottish foods,” never going near haggis though. Robby Burns day is coming up…maybe I should plan a little scottish food…no haggis!…and Guiness for the grown ups. The Jamie Oliver cookbook I got for Christmas is going to come in handy.
As a side note, I love the name of Jamie Oliver’s children; Daisy, Poppy, Petal, and Bud…three girls and a boy…too cute.
Have you ever had one of those days where you should have just stayed imbed hiding under the covers?…that was yesterday for me. It started off fine lulling me into a sense of security just before it was about to bite me on the butt.
I was working on a window for a local church and all was going well. I needed some green glass and went to retrieve it front cache in the basement. I accidentally banged the side of the piece as I was lifting it up…but thought nothing of it…mistake number 1. While moving the piece on the table I sliced through my finger on the raw edge I created by banging it earlier… Mistake number 2. So off to the hospital to sew part of my finger back on…the photo is the least offensive view of the said appendage.
Several hours later upon leaving the parking lot, I discovered that in my haste not to bleed all over the ground, I had locked my keys in my car…mistake number 3. Well, $65 and an hour later I was in my car, thanks tow truck guy. By this time, I have to go straight to work.
There were several other small mishaps along the way…I should have stayed in bed, so today that’s exactly were I’m writing this from 😉
Destiny…loaded word isn’t it? Most of the time I believe in one form of it or another…then there are the times when the whole destiny thing is too hard, and I want to believe in the randomness of the world. However, I do believe that the universe conspires us to go in a certain direction…it has happened too many times for me not to believe it. unfortunately, just because that particular road I am on is the one chosen for me, it does not mean that there are not huge boulders right smack dab in the middle of my way. I think we are given small successes to keep us on the road, and going in the right direction…the pebbles, rocks, and boulders we come across help us to learn and become stronger so we can travel further down the road to our destiny.
I’ve read that one’s destiny is the dream you once had for yourself as a child….before the world cruelly took it from you. I’m not sure that it is true for everyone…maybe you are lucky if you can remember your childhood destiny. I know that it is true for me…the most powerful positive childhood memories for me, all had to do with church, and art…it has taken forty years to get back on that road. Or maybe, I have always been on that road, but the boulders blocked my view. All I can do now is keep travelling…at least now I can see to the horizon.
I do love to make changes at the beginning of the year…its like there is a blank slate that you can imagine all kinds of possibilities for your life on. I do not make resolutions. I do make a list of changes that I would like to make…not horribly hard ones, more like nudges in the right direction. They are things that I have been thinking about over the last year that I believe might make my everyday life easier. They are not resolutions, because it is not an all or nothing, win or lose, sort of thing. I see January first as a day off to get your sh** together…a global reorganization day.
I write my resolutions,changes, down in a journal…a nice new one…because writing things down seems to make them more concrete. Then I think about how I can make the change into smaller, more manageable tasks…you eat an elephant one bite at a time. If I’m feeling really ambitious I might even add a time line for myself. One year I was so determined, I typed them out on cue cards, laminated them, and kept them together with a ring closure so I could carry them around…ok, that’s too much.
I do this reorganization thing at another time of year as well…back to school time. It is likely that I feel this ways then as well, because so much of my life has been spent in a classroom…whether as a student, or a teacher. I believe that everyone can learn and grow and change. Everyone can learn to love and be loved, to be kind, and respectful to themselves and others. The problem being, some people have more growing to do than others :>.
Ok, so I could just put it right out there and write, it is a new year and I am going to start again and post every day. However, my skills at being all-knowing and all-seeing have been on the fritz lately…so I am going to go with…I will try to post daily…and as long as I’m not working 70 hours a week, or all my fingers are broken, I just might be able to do that. I miss blogging and all my blogging friends…and sadly, it was put aside so that I could work retail at Christmas.
There is nothing like working retail at Christmas to CRUSH your belief in the Christmas Spirit. I had people swear at me, yell at me, call me names, throw things at me, threaten me, and try to bribe me…all that to make sure their art work is framed in time for Christmas. Seriously people, we all need to take a collective deep breath. A failure to plan on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine…especially since it is not life threatening. You will not go down in the annuals of time as the worse daughter in the world because your dad did not get his framed picture of dogs playing poker on Christmas morning.
So the season is over…I have a new-found disrespect for people, a four-week old bacterial infection in my lungs, and a hang over…hope your holidays were great everyone…LOL.