I’ve started to read a new book…well new to me anyway, “Quiet,”by Susan Cain. It is about introverts in a world of extroverts. It is not shocking news for me or for anyone who knows me, that I am an introvert par excellence. I’ve learned over the years how to, “behave,” like an extrovert when necessary even becoming quite a good public speaker. It took years to develop the skills to fake it, but it has proved to be necessary sometimes.
Claire and Bernice are introverts too…Claire much like me, her mother. I’m sure there are times in our home that people would think no one was living there, never mind awake and breathing. We are not exactly party animals…in fact even our pets are introverts.
Oh well, extroverts may run the world but maybe the introverts will save it.
People say lots of things, including a lot of lies. We lie to ourselves and others about what we think and feel, mostly in order to present ourselves in the most favorable way possible. I’m not saying that we are all horrible people who seek out to screw with the world every day. I just think that life is hard sometimes, and that we lie in order to make it a little easier…even if it’s only lying to ourselves. It’s easy to tell a lie but REALLY hard to live one.
I know this first hand of course because I was married to a man for eighteen very long years. I did what, at the time, I thought I was supposed to do…actually I thought it was the easy thing to do. Pretend you are like everyone else and no one will know what is really in your heart…yeah, well, that doesn’t work. In fact what it does do is make you really miserable, as well as everyone around you. This is obviously a big lie to live but we all live the little lies every day.;
We say we love our job, spouse, friends…but really we do not and everyone can see it in the way we behave. It’s hard to pretend you’re happy all the time when you are not. You can tell when someone is lying about things by the way they behave. You get that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind that the pieces of the puzzle are not really fitting together. Usually we ignore those feelings because we want to believe what the person is telling us. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
We all have fears, some silly, some not so silly, however I have found that most of my little fears can be lumped together under a more general fear. What I fear most…and what has led to my greatest mistakes in life…is the fear of not being loved. The fear that the people I love will go away, stop loving me, or never loved me. When I was younger, that fear was much bigger then it is now…the crazy ass things I did for love could fill a novel. As I get older I find it less likely that I would publicly humiliate myself…well on purpose anyway. Fear can keep us, or delay us, from our destiny. Fear can keep us from doing what is in the best interest of ourselves.
I have to be careful with this fear because there are people who have known me for years…family, ex-family…that use my fear to manipulate situations. That is convoluted talk for…everyone knows I will do anything for my kids. Basically I know that when push comes to shove, I would throw myself in front of a train for my children. I have been known to take life threatening risks for other people’s children as well. An example: risking contracting something while giving a child, who was bleeding from the mouth, CPR. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve…my mother use to worn me about it all the time…but at least I have a heart that can be broken. The alternative is to be a selfish, egomaniacal, bit**. Not that I have anyone in mind, or a few people, ok, maybe two, lol. Oh well…Live, Love , Laugh…
As a child my family always came together at the end of the day to eat dinner. Don’t get me wrong…I do not look back at my childhood fondly remembering how much better it was then. It would be a much better memory if I had been sitting down to dinner with someone else’s family, ;>. But you get what you get, and I prefer to look at it for the few positives that it gave. It did give us all a chance to reconnect with each other…and especially for the parents to stay connected and interested in their teenager’s lives. The family’s values beliefs, and culture were shared around the table as part of the conversation and the food.
With this in mind…I bought a new dining room table. A big move in our house as we have not really had a dinning room at all for the last few years. As I work from home most of the time, and my wife has a hobby that takes up a lot of space, (you wouldn’t think scrapbooking would involve so much space, but it does in our house, :>)…our lives had taken over the dinning room for what seemed like more important needs. so with a little rearranging, and the moving of heavy furniture, I claimed space for the table.
So almost evening for the last three weeks we have gathered around the table to break bread together. I love it!…we now say grace again before our meals, we talk about our days, and laugh out loud about it. I’ve even tried some “traditional Scottish foods,” never going near haggis though. Robby Burns day is coming up…maybe I should plan a little scottish food…no haggis!…and Guiness for the grown ups. The Jamie Oliver cookbook I got for Christmas is going to come in handy.
As a side note, I love the name of Jamie Oliver’s children; Daisy, Poppy, Petal, and Bud…three girls and a boy…too cute.
Have you ever had one of those days where you should have just stayed imbed hiding under the covers?…that was yesterday for me. It started off fine lulling me into a sense of security just before it was about to bite me on the butt.
I was working on a window for a local church and all was going well. I needed some green glass and went to retrieve it front cache in the basement. I accidentally banged the side of the piece as I was lifting it up…but thought nothing of it…mistake number 1. While moving the piece on the table I sliced through my finger on the raw edge I created by banging it earlier… Mistake number 2. So off to the hospital to sew part of my finger back on…the photo is the least offensive view of the said appendage.
Several hours later upon leaving the parking lot, I discovered that in my haste not to bleed all over the ground, I had locked my keys in my car…mistake number 3. Well, $65 and an hour later I was in my car, thanks tow truck guy. By this time, I have to go straight to work.
There were several other small mishaps along the way…I should have stayed in bed, so today that’s exactly were I’m writing this from 😉
Following along the destiny road a little further….I think there are people in our lives that are destined to be there. this may seem weird but I know that when I meet someone new, that ends up being important to me, I can remember that moment me met vividly even years later. Why is it that even though I meet and talk to dozens of people each day, that when I meet my, life changers, that they almost seem to have an aura about them…a cosmic neon sign that says, “This One!!!”. Does anyone else get this feeling?…Maybe I am weird. ;>.
I’ve always been the kind of person that had a few very close relationships instead of a bunch of more superficial ones. It use to drive my childhood best friend crazy….she had literally hundreds of friends, I had about eight. She would say,” you’re my best friend, but I just like to keep my options open.” She never felt loved enough because of her physical disabilities, (Hence why I gravitated towards being a special needs teacher for severely disabled children…destiny?…who knows). I don’t do the superficial relationship very well, I am not a social butterfly by any means.
I know that I love my family and friends ferociously…I’ve been called a mama bear in reference to my children. I can’t imagine my life without them.
Destiny…loaded word isn’t it? Most of the time I believe in one form of it or another…then there are the times when the whole destiny thing is too hard, and I want to believe in the randomness of the world. However, I do believe that the universe conspires us to go in a certain direction…it has happened too many times for me not to believe it. unfortunately, just because that particular road I am on is the one chosen for me, it does not mean that there are not huge boulders right smack dab in the middle of my way. I think we are given small successes to keep us on the road, and going in the right direction…the pebbles, rocks, and boulders we come across help us to learn and become stronger so we can travel further down the road to our destiny.
I’ve read that one’s destiny is the dream you once had for yourself as a child….before the world cruelly took it from you. I’m not sure that it is true for everyone…maybe you are lucky if you can remember your childhood destiny. I know that it is true for me…the most powerful positive childhood memories for me, all had to do with church, and art…it has taken forty years to get back on that road. Or maybe, I have always been on that road, but the boulders blocked my view. All I can do now is keep travelling…at least now I can see to the horizon.